Beginning again
by Scialet
Summary: Mi S3. just read...and review please!
1. Chap1

Since I came back into this world, everyone seems so happy, no one is sad because of me anymore. Will has moved on, he has a job now, friends who don't have to lie to him every time they talk. Even though I know I caused him so much pain by killing Francie, he's not mad at me, at least he's not telling me. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but as much as I want to believe them, I don't.

If I hadn't been here, lying every single minute of my life to the people I claimed that I loved, if I hadn't be so blind, working for the ennemy of my country, killing people who didn't deserve it, everyone would still be happy. If I hadn't been here Danny would still be alive, Francie would still be alive, Will would still be doing the job he loved so much, without running away every time he's in danger. My dad could have brought down SD-6 without my help, I'm certain he was capable of it. Dixon would still be happy with Diane and their children wouldn't be alone without their mother.

I promised to myself that I would never kill a mother, no matter what, because I knew what it's like to grow up without a mother, and how much pain it is. But I broke this promise, it was just another lie, but I lied to myself. I destroyed a family, another one. Because of me, Dixon will never believe in me again, because of me he'll never look at me like a friend, a sister, but he'll see me like a traitress, and he's right. I betrayed everyone I know, even myself. How can I still live knowing that?

Since I came back I feel like I'm a stanger, not knowing people I used to work with, people I used to love. My friends are gone, my life is gone, my love is gone. Vaughn. How can I still live knowing that he's not mine anymore? He's Lauren's now. And she's his. I'm not a part of his life anymore, just another memory. This is what I am now: a memory. I'm a ghost of the past, I live in the past. The only thing I catch on to is to find out what happened to me during these two years. But I'm wondering if I really want to find it out. Because if I do, I won't have anything to catch on to, no one will be here for me. Even if Weiss or my dad help me today, will they still be here tomorrow? After all they help me but I don't give them anything back. They can't hold me back from falling for ever. One day or the other I'll fall, and then there'll be no one to catch me.

And then everyone will be happy again, like they were since I've been missing. If I hadn't coming back, Vaughn would still be happy with Lauren, my dad wouldn't risk his life everyday for me, Weiss may have meet someone instead of staying at my place, felling sorry with me, drinking like a fish. Life would be simple if I wasn't here, the world would be perfect without me in here.  
But I'm here, I'm back, destructing everyone's perfect little life when I came back. And I have to face another day. It's been almost 6 months since I came back, and now I'm a slave to routine, and I like it. I don't wan't another change in my life, I'm tired of changes, I just want a normal life, or at least as normal as possible.

As I'm stuck in traffic I'm wondering how many time I'll be able to do this, going to work, pretending everything's fine. Working with people who I'm certain want me to return where I was during this two years, letting them living their life. But as much as I want this to, I can't, not now. Maybe after I'll disapear again, but this time I won't come back, ever.  
I'm late again, tired by a sleepless night. I look horrible, but I don't mind, no one's looking at me, not even Vaughn. I think this is the worst part of my life now: walking around with this fake smile, not showing that I'm dying inside, because I can't come home with him after work, I can't lay on him like I used to do, I can't cry on his shoulder anymore, I can't sleep in his arms anymore, he doesn't wake me up with sweet kisses anymore. This is a memory too, I live in the past day and night.

Weiss told me once that Vaughn miss me like I miss him, but I don't believe him. If it was true then we wouldn't be avoiding each other like we do, we wouldn't look like stangers. We're not even friends, after all we've been through, we're not capable of being friends, and this because this stupid gold ring on his left hand. He should have married me, not her. It's not fair, after everything we've been fighting to be together, I've lost him all over again. Life isn't fair. Not with me. Maybe I deserve it after all, maybe this is the price I've to pay for being Irina Derevko daughter's, the daughter of the woman who killed the father of the man I love. Since the beginning we weren't meant to be together. I just have to look at our families' history. I should have known that. How stupid I've been, beliving that one day we could be happy together.  
Now I do my job, like a robot, I do the same things every days, and I like it.

But today is not like every day, today Vaughn and Lauren have a fight in the middle of the Rotunda. Every one is looking at them, but they don't care. They are yelling at each other without noticing everyone's around them. Weiss spot me and come by my side.

" It's the beggining of the end.

- What do you mean?

- It's a good two months since they're fighting like that. But it's the first time they're doing this at work.

- How do you know that?

- Hey! Vaughn's my friend you know, we're talking sometimes.

- Yeah I know, sorry.

- Sorry for what?

- I don't know. I was thinking that like you spend a lot of time with me...

- I can be friend with you and Vaughn at the same time, it's not because you're not friends anymore that I'm here for both of you.

- What did you tell Vaughn about his marriage lately, if you don't mind me asking.

- Well, since you came back, he's no the same.

- Since I came back everything is upside down.

- No! Don't think that way.He told me once that he'll always love you, no matter what, and even if you were...missing, he could never love someone like he loved you, that Lauren was more like a good friend who help him to move on. But when he learn that you were alive, before traveling all around the world for you, he told me that he shouldn't have married Lauren, that he should have believe in you, until death.

- But he lost faith.

- He was lost, Syd. He still believe in you, and in your love, but he's stuck in this loveless marriage. He's a man of duty, that's the only reason why he stay with her, instead of running to you.

- That's what he told you, but he could have divorce if he wants that much to be with me.

- That's not that simple!

- Yes it is! Weiss I know that it's not your fault, you're in the middle of this and I'm sorry for that, but don't try to repair what can't be.

- It can be, it's not broken, just spoiled.

- Listen, thank you for trying, but just stay away from this, this is between me and him, I don't want you to suffer because of this. Now excuse-me, but I have work to do."  
  
I walk away from him, the only person who try to help me, I push him away. I know he just wanna help me, us, but it's not healthy for him. He help me a lot, but I can't take the liberty letting him suffer because of this, us. But 'us' doesn't exist anymore, it's a memory too. Everything's a memory for me. But I live in olds memories, because I can't remember what happen to me during the past two years. Two years. A lot must've happen to me, to everyone. I can learn what happen when I wasn't here by asking Weiss, or my dad, or Marshall. He's the one who who behave toward me like if I hadn't disapear. He's a family now, I'm happy for him, he deserve to be happy. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot. He's one of my older friends, and he still believe in me, even after everything he's been through because of me.He's the exeption that prove the rule: nothing will ever be like it used to be.

The following days were like this, anoying days of work, but one thing made the days a little better than they were: Vaughn and Lauren are fighting more and more often, not only at their home, but at work, in the parking garage, in restaurants. And I know I shouldn't be happy because it's not good, but it is very good one for me. I know Vaughn is suffering because if this, I can see it in his eyes. They're not made of this green I used to be lost in, but they're gray, black, sad. Nothing is like before, not even this little things. I'm sad for him, that he has to go through this, but I'm also happy, because that means that maybe one day he and Lauren won't be together anymore, that one day he'll be alone, and maybe one day we can be friends again, maybe more than friends. I know we have to give time to time, but I hope that one day we could be happy like we used to be. Maybe not so innocent, maybe we won't take things granted anymore, maybe we'll enjoy every single moment we can have together. But today I'm still alone, sitting on my couch, dreaming of a future that maybe will never exist. But this is all I have now, dreams, hope that the future will be happier than the present.I have to stop daydreaming because I didn't hear my phone ringing, and now Weiss is at my door.

"Hey, where were you? I called you, but you didn't answer."

"I was taking a shower." I know he doesn't believe me, my cheeks must be wet, my eyes red, but I don't care. All I want right now is to be alone. "I don't wanna talk tonight, Weiss."

" Okay, but at least listen to what I have to tell you." I let him inside, and sit near him on the couch. I don't even think to offer him something to drink. "It's Vaughn..."

Suddendly I'm breathless, what will I do if Vaughn is not here anymore? I can't live without him, even if we're not even friends. I need to see his green eyes, his cute grin, to heard him laugh at the not funny Weiss' jokes.

" What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?"

"Relax, he's okay. He's at my place."

"Why?", I asked, but I already know the answer, at least i hope this is what i'm hoping since i'm back.

"Lauren and he are separating." All I want to do is jump up and down, go right to see him and tell him how much I love him, to feel his arms all around me like before, his soft lips against mine. But I stay calm and listen to Weiss.

"You know they were fighting a lot these past weeks, and today was the final fight, if you want to call it that. Vaughn just took a bag and came to my place.

"You mean he just walked away? "

"He said he doesn't want to stay at their house anymore, so he came here."

"He's gonna live with you? "

"Yes, just the time to find a new place to live."

"How does he feel?"

"How do you think he feels? He was exhausted, so he took the couch and fall asleep. We haven't talk yet." Suddenly I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel. Should I be happy? Sad for him? Should I go and talk to him or not? There are so many questions, I'm lost. Everything was so simple before, and now I don't know how to behave with him anymore.

"Syd, now you and he have to start to heal."

" I'm alright, Weiss!"

"No, you're not. I can see it, Syd. I know you, and since you've been back you've not happy, you're lost. I just hope that this will help you feel better."

"How can I feel better? Vaughn's life is upside down because of me. If I didn't..."

"Don't say that Syd! Since you've been back Vaughn's happier. Maybe you can't see it, but I can. I've known both of you for years, and don't deny that there's always this thing when you're in the same room. And it still exists, even if both of you deny it, I can see it, everyone does. Ask anyone you want, even your fathe says it's obvious." After no response he continued, "Of course this will take time, but both of you deseve to be happy, and now nothing can prevent that. You both have to realise that you're mean for him, and he's meant for you. And then you will be the happiest couple in the world.

"How can you be sure of that?"

"Because everyone knows that, exept the two people it concerns."

"What do I do now?"

"Go to sleep, and think about it. But wathever you do, just know that I'll be always be here you, never forget that."

"Thank you, Weiss. You're a really great friend, you know?"

"Of course I am!"

We both laugh, it's been a while seen i've laughed. It's good, I'm feeling alive again. What would I do without him? He always know what to say to make me feel better, happier. I hug him, thank him again for coming and let him go to bed. He need to sleep, and so do I. I fall on my bed, thinking that it would be best to sleep on it.


	2. Chap 2

That night was like every night since I've been back, sleepless, nightmares, crying until I fall asleep again. And nightmares again. I don't know how many nights like that I'll be able to handle alone. Waking up alone in this big bed, without someone to comfort me, without Vaughn. Hopefully one day he'll be here with me, I'll be falling asleep in his strong arms, and maybe I won't have nightmares anymore. Maybe one day we'll be like before, no, better than before.

But now the morning is here, too fast, and I didn't sleep enough again. I take a quick shower, dress up and go to work. But today everything is different. Lauren isn't here anymore, Vaughn either. He must have taken some days off, I guess he needed to rest after all this mess. Lauren's been transfered to Washington, that was the first thing Dixon told me when I arrived this morning. He was smiling, I never noticed he didn't like her. At least I won't have to face her anymore. I spent the morning doing my morning routine, checking my mail, having a cup of coffee, reading some new intel which leads nowhere.

And as I was about to leave for lunch, I see him, smiling and walking toward me. He knows I know, I can see in his eyes. I've always been able to read his eyes like in a book, and I know he can do the same thing with me. What am I going to tell him? 'I'm sorry' no, I'm not. I'm sad for you , but I haven't be happier in years. And now he's in front of me, still smiling, a huge grin accross his face like I haven't seen in years, two and half years exactly.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"How are you?" He shouldn't ask me that, he already knows how I feel.

"Fine. You?"

"I'm okay. Better." Really? I don't believe him, he can't be fine after only a night, unless he didn't really love her? No, it can't be true, he wouldn't marry someone he doesn't love. What do I say to him now? "Weiss told me you know what happened."

"Yes, he came last night when you were sleeping."

"It's been a while since I slept that well."

"Good."

"Yeah"

And then there was an awkward silence. It's never been so strange between us before, no one knowing what to say to each other. Suddendly I find a very interesting spot on the floor to look at. Fortunately, Weiss join us.

"Hey guys!

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Mike, where've you been this morning, I was worried!"

"I went for a jog, I needed to clear my mind."

"Oh, okay. Next time, let me know, I don't want you to be alone."

"Ok."

Why? He's a big guy, he can go for a run alone. Maybe they're hiding something from me, again.

"Syd, I was wondering if could you do me a favor?" Weiss asked.

"Yeah, of course. What is it?"

"Well, in two weeks there's the annual CIA Christmas party, so maybe you could help me to pick out what I'll be wearing? And you could get a dress too."

"Actually, I'm not sure I'll go...but, I'll help you."

"Thanks."

"Mike, you're coming, right?"

"I dunno, I'm not really in the mood to go to a party."

"Oh, come on, you won't spend that night alone at my place!"

"So I'll go elsewhere."

Yeah, you could come at my place, for example. I though to myself

"Mike, I'm serious, I don't want you to be alone."

"I'll think on it, but I don't promise I'll come."

"That means you'll come."

"No!"

"He'll come." Oh no, did i just say that out loud?

"See, even Syd is says so!"

"Oh really, and why should I go?

"Because I'll go if you go." What the hell am I doing? Am I flirting with Vaughn?

"What?"

"Ok guys, so we'll all go! Now when can we go shopping, Syd?"

"I'll let you know."

"Okay, thanks. I gotta go, see ya!"

"Yeah!"

"See ya!"

And now here we are, Vaughn and I like we were 5 minutes before, not knowing what to say to each other.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"If I'll go you go?"

"Mmh mmh."

"Why?"

"I don't know...maybe I just don't wanna be alone for Christmas."

"What about your dad?"

"Work."

"Oh."

How can it be so hard to have this simple conversation with him?

"And you?

"My mother met someone. They're traveling a lot. Last week they were in Spain."

"That's great for your mother."

"Yeah"

His mother, another thing I shouldn't be talking about.

"So, do you know what you'll wear?

"No, not yet, I'll see with Weiss. And you?"

"I must have some tux at ho- in a box."

"Ok. Um, I gotta go, see ya."

"Bye."

Good, at least we had talked, it's better that the 'nothing' we've had since I came back.  
  
The following days were relatively the same, Vaughn and I met in the parking garage, in the elevator, or at the coffee bar. We had small talk about the weather, work, nothing in particular. He still stays at Weiss' place, but he never came to mine, and I must say that I'm glad for that. I don't know how I should react if one day he'd come at my place. Should I let him in? Hug him? What would we talk about? I feel like a teen who's afraid of a future boyfriend.  
It used to be so simple, we talked about everything, the good and the bad, we were always there for each other. But it's not that simple anymore. It's hard just walking around, so how could I manage to see him at my place? But at the same time I'm dying to see him here, like I used to. I'm dying to fall asleep in his arms watching a hockey game, waking up in his arms in our bed. I'm dying to see him cooking breakfast for me, coming with me into the shower, before arriving late at work. I miss all the little things we used to have. But I don't know if we'll be able to have them back. Like said Weiss we have to let time heal. But time run to fast...


	3. Chap 3

Today Weiss and I are going to find what we'll wear to the party. He's a close friend, after all the past events. He's a really good guy, I don't know what I would have become if he hadn't been there for me. And I have to thank him for saving Vaughn too, because if he hadn't been there for him, I'm pretty sure Vaughn wouldn't be here anymore. He's always been there for both of us, and today he's still here. We both have our day off, so we have plenty of time for doing our errands. He should be here in a minute or so, but I'm late, I'm still under a hot shower, trying to erase the signs of the past sleepless night. There is a knock at the door.

"Come in, I'm not ready yet!" I yell from the bathroom. I quickly dry my hair with a towel and make my way to my bedroom. I put jeans and a shirt on and rush toward the living room.

"Just give me a minute to put on some make-up, and I'll be rea-"

Oh my gosh! What is he doing here? Where's Weiss?

"Hi."

"Hi. I thought Weiss was picking me up."

"Uh, yeah, but he has a last minute thing to do, so as I have a day off he told me to pick you up and we'll meet him there."

"Oh, okay. Just couple more minutes and I'll-"

"You don't have to put on make up, you're beautiful like that."

Oh no I'm blushing like a five year old girl. Say something, anything, don't stay quiet! You're a literature student remember!

"Sorry I didn't mean to embarass you..."

"It's okay. Where's my jacket? I'm sure I put it somewhere..." Great change of subject. Are you stupid or what?

"Here! Turn."

I turn so he could help me put my jacket on. As he ajusted one of the shoulders his hand accidentaly brushed again my skin. It's soft, it's warm, it's so good. And suddenly a flow of memories came back to me. Everytime he used to brush against my skin like that, it sends goosebumps all over my body. I can't believe he can still do that to me.

"Ready?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"You're welcome."

The driving was relatively quiet, some music filling the car. Some people were already outside, jogging, driking a cup of coffee, walking with their dogs. Everything seemed so normal, I couldn't help but hope that someday I'll be one of those women walking with my child into the park.

Vaughn pulls into a car park near the mall.We just have to walk a little and we'll be there.

"Thanks for the ride."

"You don't have to thank me everytime, Syd. We're friends, it's not a problem to do you a service."

Friends? Is that all we are for him now?

" If you say so..."

"So just behave like you use-"

"But it's not that simple! It's not like it used to be anymore. I don't want us to be friends,

Vaughn!"

"I know, I'm sorry."

"No,it's me, I shouldn't have said that."

"If I hadn't left you alone that night, you-"

"Vaughn, don't, don't do this to yourself. It's not your fault, and you know it, so stop it."

"Hey guys! How ya doin'?"

Eric, right on time!

"Hi Weiss."

"Hi Eric."

"Sorry abuot this morning I had a..."

"Last minute thing to do, I know. It's okay".

"So, since Mike's coming with us to the party, he has to buy a tux too."

"Didn't you say that you had one?" I asked.

"Uh, not anymore."

"What, you didn't tell her?"

"Tell me what?" Are they hiding something from me?

"Mike's appartment burnt two days ago. Everything's lost."

"Oh, sorry I didn't know."

"No, I should have told you."

"How did this happen?"

"We're not sure, but we're suspecting it was a criminal fire. We're investigating for now.

"Do you have any leads?"

"The cops said that it could have been out of revenge."

Who? Lauren ? Could she fire her own house? She is really insane!

"Oh....I hope you find out."

"Yeah."

Weiss finally said something, breaking the silence again,"So guys, ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's spend some money!"

We went to the tux alley first, Eric wanted to go grab something to eat for breakfast.

"Mike, look at this! What do you think?" Eric asked.

"You know, a tux's a tux, so don't ask me."

"Syd?"

"Uhm, yeah, why not? But you should pick up several and try them."

"Okay."

"So, Vaughn, you haven't picked up anything yet?"

"No, you can choose for me if you want.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"What? Nothing."

"Vaughn, I can still know when you're not truthfull."

"It's just, I don't know. I fell like I'm starting a new life, with nothing left behind me and everything to build up again."

"Yeah I know how you feel. You're not alone in all this, we're here, never forget that."

"I haven't been here for you since you came back, I'm sorry."

"It's okay Vaughn, it's the past, and Eric and my dad were here and helped me, so don't worry."

"But I should've been there for you."

"You were married, and your job took you a lot of time, I understand."

"That's not a reason for me not coming to see you."

"Let's talk about something else, ok? I've moved on, so try to do the same and everything will be fine."

I know I'm avoiding a subject and that we'll have to deal with someday, but the truth is I don't want to think about it right now. Today we're gonna prepare for Christmas, so I don't wanna think about the past, only the future. After all nothing can be worse than the past two years, so let's enjoy the present.

After almost one hour and a lot of tries, Weiss finally choose one tux, and Vaughn almost took the first one he found. Now it is my turn to find something to wear, but Weiss couldn't wait any longer and offered us a breakfast. We sat on the outside of a little coffee bar, and I excused myself to go to the restroom. When I came back our breakfasts were already there.

"We though we could order for you while you weren't here," explained Weiss.

"Thank you. What did you choose?"

"Muffins and coffee with cream and cinnamon."

I can't believe he remembers that, even after two years he still knows what's my favorite breakfast.

"You still like that, right?"

"Of course." My eyes were glassy, tears threatening to fall. And I couldn't help but stare in those green eyes that were locked with mine.

"Syd, you know, you can use a seat."

"Umh? Oh, yeah."

"So, what kind of dress do you wanna wear?"

"I don't know, you guys tell me what you like."

We spent the next 45 minutes talking about nothing in particular, just enjoying the sunny morning. It's been a while since life's been so normal. We just looked like some friends meeting for an early breakfast downtown. And I like it.


	4. Chap 4

We're back in the mall, the three of us looking for the dress I'll be wearing. I really don't know what I want to wear. Should it be simple and soft or less casual? What color? I've never known how to choose a dress, I've always let someone else choose for me. So given that two men are with me, in front of almost a hundred dresses, I'll let them pick up some for me, and then I'll just have to try them. They'll tell me the one I fit in the best, and we'll be done with the clothes shopping.

"You know what, guys? You'll choose for me, because I have no idea what I want to wear.

"You're sure? I mean you will have the dress on, not us."

"I'll just try some, and you'll tell me what you like the most." I replied to Weiss.

He looks at me unsure, then at Vaughn, as if silently asking what he thinks about it. He approves by nodding, and the two of them head toward another rack.

I shout out, "Uhm, the dresses are here!"

"Yeah, we know, but we've seen some great ones over there you should try."

I follow them, and they tell me to go sit and that they'll join me there. I obey and there I am, on really big and comfortable couch, waiting for them to be back. I picked up a magazine, opened it and saw pictures of happy weddings, beautiful white dresses worn by smilling brides. I hope that one day I'll be one of these women, that one day I'll find the love of my life. But I already have him, or at least I know who he is. But now only time can help us to heal. I'm stirred from my daydream by two men approching, arms full of clothes. I can't help but laugh.

"What are you doing with all that?"

"You told us to choose, so we chose. Now it's your turn to work."

"It's gonna take me hours!"

"No, it's only a few dresses to try. You could've done worse."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that..."

With that I take the first one on the pile and come into a fitting room. I quickly take off my own clothes and put on the dress. I stand in front of them, pulling a long face, and both shake their heads.  
I laugh slighly. "Ok, next one."

I turn back and close the drape behind me to change again. I come out and get the same reaction "No, next!" and so it is for the next six dresses. As I'm about to pick up another one, Weiss hands me a red dress.  
"Try this one, Vaughn picked it up". I look at him and a shy smile crosses his face. It's a three-quarter length, V-neck, spaghetti straps, and a flowing skirt. It hugs my body in all the right places. How could he know what would fit me so perfectly? He must remember my body better than I thought. I came out and the men stay speechless, staring at me intensely. I finally break the silence.

"So, what do you think of this one?"

Weiss nudged Vaughn slightly, who couldn't stop looking at me.

"Uh...you're...amazing.'

"Yeah, astonishing," Weiss adds.

"Thanks. So...do you think I should buy this one?"

"Definitely"

At least Vaughn still knows how to speak. He looks down, avoiding my gaze, while Weiss collects the other dresses and goes toward the rack to replace them. Vaughn eventually looks up at me. I'm standing a few feet in front of him after coming back from the fitting room, the dress on one arm, my jeans and shirt on again.

"So, do you like it?"

"Yeah, you chose really well. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

We settle in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before I suggest a plan.

"So...uhm...will you have lunch with Weiss and me?"

"Yeah, why not."

"Good. And...uhm...what are you planning to do this afternoon? Because Weiss and I thought we could do some Christmas shopping, since we didn't have time with work and all...You don't have to if you don't want, its just it could be nice having an afternoon all three of us. But it's up to you. So..." Great, now you're rambling!

"I'm not sure, I don't know a lot of people to whom I'll offer something this year."

"Oh. "

"Yeah, you know, just my mother, and Weiss."

"Did someone say my name?" Weiss asked, finally stoping flirting with one of the clerks and joining us.

"Yeah, Vaughn was thinking about wheter or not to come with us this afternoon."

"He will!"

"Why?" obviously Vaughn doesn't know what Weiss's planning for him.

"Yeah, I've a...meeting, at the end of afternoon, so you could drive Sydney home after our shopping."

"I can take a cab." I protested

"No, no, I'll give you a ride, it's OK."

"I don't want to-"

"I said it was no problem. Besides I don't have anything else to do today, it'll be a pleasure," argued Vaughn.I gave up quickly

"OK."

"So, let's get lunch, I'm starving!"

With that I pay for my dress and we head toward a little restaurant.


	5. Chap 5

The lunch was quite relaxing, no fight, no wonderings if will we be still here tomorrow, no angst, no betrayal, and no beeper or phone call taking us back to reality, to work. Just three friends having a normal lunch, talking about anything but work, and love.

Because this is the two things that hurt the more in our life. This is the two things that keep making us suffer, no matter how we try to flee from them, they always catch us up. This is the two things we live for, and we die for. It's weird how people can keep on trying doing things that are only harmful. Spylife is harmful. Love is harmful.

But we need they things like they are oxygen. They keep us alive, an they destroy us at the same time. But we don't stop doing them, because stopping them would lead us to death. But doing them are leading us to death. We just have to keep on working and loving until fate decide we have done enough, we have suffered enough and we can have some peace. But until then we just have to live.

This is this simple, and complicated at the same time. We use to say 'If you have never loved in your whole life then you've never lived'. So we can say 'If you have never suffered in your whole life then you've never lived'. I guess I've lived a lot then. Maybe fate will call me back someday, thinking that I've suffered enough. And it's right. I've had enough sorrow, sadness and unhappyness in my life, more than most of the people in their entire life. I deserve some peace now, some quiet and happyness. A little bit of joy in my life would be welcome.

Since I was six I don't remember one single moment I've ever felt joy, just real and pure joy. Since my mom's gone, I live in a fog, not knowing what tomorrow will be, who'll be the next one to betray me. I fumble one's way, hoping that one day I'll see the light at the end of this black, cold and wet tunnel.

I though I found this, a simple life, without no more worry than necessary. A life in which you love someone who loves you back, a life when no one's trying to keep you away from what you deserve more, a normal life. But I was wrong again. I had it just long enough to taste what it's like to be happy, and then fate took it back, again.

I feel like I have great things in my life just long enough to remember what's like to be happy, and when I start to enjoy it, it vanishes. And these rare moment of pure happyness, these rare time of bliss that I can have are loan to me only to keep me fighting for another moment like this. And as stupid as I am I do exactly what they want me to do.

They, who are they? First Sloane, someone who kept on telling me I was like a daughter for him. This man's made me believe I was working for my country, making the world better. It's all been a lie. A was working for him, a secret organization which only wanted to make money and act only in their interests, against the country. And he destroyed my life.

Then my mom, who I thought was a loving mother and a passionate teacher, and who was instead a cold-blood killer working for the KGB. Someone who tortured and executed inocent people, including Vaughn's father.

My dad, who trained me to become a spy while I was only 6. He used my grief and my naiveté, and chose a life he knew would cause me a lot of pain. But he didn't care. Like the others he was just thinking about him, and his own interests. And the Covenant. I just had my life back and they took it away from me again. They took all I've always wanted, and needed.

But now it has to stop. I can't live like this anymore. I have not only to fight for the right of living my live like I intend to, but also for keeping it. And this means that I'll have to fight for the rest of my life. But I'm tired of this, tired of fighting alone, always alone.

I need someone in my live who will help me, who will fight by my sides, who will stand with me in the worst moments as in the best, who will be my anchor in the storm. Someone I can lay on, and someone who can lay on me. Someone who will make me laugh until I can't breath anymore, someone who will smile just at my sight. Someone who will cause me butterflies in the stomach just by seeing him, someone who will send me goosebumps only by a touch. Someone real. But once again I know who he is. I only hope that one day we'll find the way to be happy together.

As we've finished our lunch, we head toward the first shop near the restaurant. I've no clue of what I'm gonna offer. Actually I don't even know to whom I'll give something this year. Weiss, of course, is the first who come to my mind. What would he like? He's not fussy, but he deserves something special. Maybe I'll see something great later. Who else? Will. Do I have the right to offer him a Christmas gift , after all he maybe doesn't want to have something from me. I know a gift won't make him feel better, and I don't want him to forgive me because of some gifts. I'll send him something, I just have to do it right. It'll come from heart, and I know he'll like it. At least I hope.

Who's next? My dad. As usually usual I'll send him a box of chocolates, or something like that. I'm sure he'll give it to his maid. I don't mind. Marshall and Carie of course. I'll find something later. Something simple for Carrie, and some gadget for Marshall. Dixon. The last gift was a week at the Niagara's falls for him and Diane. They've never been there. Because of me. Again and always because of me.

And Vaughn. I've always known what would make him happy before, but I don't know anymore. Does he at least want something from me? I've never offer him something for Christmas. We've never ever spent Christmas together. Another thing I've dreamt so many times about, something which just exists in my mind. But I hope that one day my dreams will become true. One day I'll have the life I've wanted since my childhood: a normal, happy life, with a family, and love.

We enter in the little shop. A sweet music fills the air. I love these surrondings: it's like time have take out to run, allowing people some peace in their crazy life. Christmas decorations are everywhere: Santa Claus hangs up on the walls, surrounded by snow-covered firs, piece of tinselsuspended from the ceiling. It's beautiful. It makes me feel joyous, and Vaughn doesn't miss it. He looks at me with amusement.

" What?"

" Nothing. It's just good to see you smiling like that. You look like a child discovering Christmas for the first time." I blush slightly, but I can't stop smiling. I nod.

" Yeah, Christmas always makes me feel like I'm 4. It's like all the sadness just disappears from earth, and let people just enjoy it."

" I know what you mean. I feel the same way. It's like if we're just here with friends and family, no wondering about anything else but 'Is there enough decorations on the tree?' " Suddently I slap my head.

" I forgot to buy a tree! Oh no! And now I'm sure there isn't anyone left for sale. How could I forget that?" Vaughn laughs.

" Hey! It's not funny!"

He answers through his laughter "Oh yeah it is! I've never meet someone who forget to buy a tree for Christmas!" I laugh with him. Weiss is alerted by our laughter and joins us cheerfully.

" Hey, what's going on? Are you cracked up?" Vaughn tries to explain through his laughter, stamming:

" She..forgot...buy...tree! "

" No way! You didn't? " I shake my head and try to calm down.

" I swear! I didn't have time to think about it, with work and all..." Weiss grimaces slightly.

" I should have told you last week that I was going to buy one. You'd have come with me."

" No, I'll go tomorrow and find something." Vaughn shakes his head.

" No, by tomorrow you're sure you won't find any fir. Tonight after the shopping I'll come with you and we'll find one." I open my mouth to protest but he continues.

" And no objections! " I nod in defeat, and smile at him. After all it could be fun.

"Ok, let's see if we can find some gifts elsewhere." Weiss concludes. With that we get out and walk toward the next shop.

We spend the rest of the afternoon wandering from store to store, finding some good deals and great gifts. It's been a nice afternoon, with small talks and laughter here and there. A normal afternoon. It's so good, just hanging out with friends like that almost make me forget the reality. But I like it. The three of us are exhausted, and I can think only about one thing: going home and taking a bath. But as Vaughn said if I wait to much there won't be any tree left. After all it won't take me so much time, and then I'll take a warm, relaxing bath.

It's about 6 and Weiss' 'meeting' arrives. She, actually, is the clerk of the mall where we bought our clothes this morning. She looks nice, better that in that outfit she was wearing before. She's a little smaller than me, brown-blonde, and blue-lagoon eyes. She's beautiful. Weiss introduces her.

" Sydney, Michael, this is Clara. Clara, this is Sydney, and Michael, my friends". We shake hands and exchange some talk.

" Nice to meet you." Vaughn and I say.

" You too."

" Uh, guys, you should go for the tree now, there won't be anything left if you dawdle." Weiss tries to getting rid of us, so we don't prolong this moment more than necessary.

" You're right. Maybe we'll see you later." I say to Clara.

" Yeah, I'd like that." With that I walk away with Vaughn, letting Weiss and Clara behind us. Vaughn giggles.

" What?"

" It's funny, Weiss never had the guts to ask a girl out, and now not only he's flirted with someone but he has a date the same day."

" You think he's becoming a big boy?" I say in jest.

" Nah, he'll never be one!" I laugh with him.

" Seriously, I think it's good for him going out with someone. He's been with me very (so instead of very) often these last months, and he needs some new air, meeting people."

" You regret this?" I look at him, asking him silently to explain what he's thinking about.

" Do you regret that he was here for you? Helping you going through this?"

" No, of course no. If he hadn't been here, I don't know what I would've become..."

" You wouldn't have been alone, you know. I should have been here for-" I stop him.

" Vaughn, we've already talked about this."

" I know, but you didn't let me finish." I don't say anything, letting him to continue.

" Since you're back I wanted to come to see you, hug you tight and never let you go again. But I knew you wouldn't let me. I knew you didn't trust me, I'm not even sure you do now. That's why I didn't come to you. I saw you were better without me, so I let Weiss taking care of you. Because if I've been here it would've only complicated things. It was hard enough for you to discover...the truth. I didn't want to make you suffer more than you were already.

" Tears are threatenig to fall, a lump is in my throat, but I still manage to remember how to speak.

" Vaughn...I...I don't know what to say..." As we have stopped to walk, he turns and takes my hands in his.

" Sydney, this isn't your fault. You didn't deserve all this mess. You've been through so much, and believe me if I could go back in time and step into your shoes, I would."

Now tears fall freely down my cheeks.

" I know you would. I know that, Vaughn. But you can't, and believe me you wouldn't really want to go through this."

" I would if it means avoiding you to suffer."

I can't stand looking at him anymore and I turn my back to him. My shoulders are shaking with the force of my tears. As much as I try to calm down and regain composure I can't. What Vaughn just said to me is all I wanted to know since I'm back: he still loves me. And I pushed him away instead of accepting his help and comfort, even when I needed him the most. He puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, as if telling me he's still here for me, like he's always been. He's always been here for me, but I let my rage and my resentment blinding me. I turn slowly and immediately his arms are around me, warm and inviting.

I hug him back, feeling at home. We stay like that for a while, just hugging each other without moving. It's been so long since I've found shelter into his arms. He may feel as good as I am because he squeezes me tight. I burrow my head in the crook of his neck, breathing his scent. He's still the same, even his smell didn't changed. I close my eyes and just enjoy this little moment. Our little moment. I hope there'll be many others moments like that, moments when I'm lost in him, not thinking about anything but only the sensations that are traveling through my body.

After what seems an eternity, we break the embrace. We look quickly in each other eyes, as if reassuring each other that everything will be okay. We head toward his car silently, enjoying the Christmas atmosphere and each other's company.


	6. Chap 6

Vaughn turns on the radio and relaxing music fills the air. The song finishes and another one begins. Suddenly Vaughn looks at me anxiously. It's one of the songs he kept singing to me the last days we were together. I smile, reassuring him everything's okay. He stretches out to change the channel but I stop him, posing my hand on his.

"It's OK, you can let it…" He starts to protest, knowing exactly what I'm thinking about.

" But-"

" It reminds me of good memories. " He nod and smile slightly.

" Yeah, me too." He turns his head and looks at the road. And I'm daydreaming again.

We were so happy two years ago. This song makes me even remember some things I forgot. Some simple moments we've had, ordinary things, small talks. We used to talk about our future together sometimes. We thought about buying a house together, having kids someday. We were talking about a normal life. A life which has never been ours. And which maybe will never be. We've been so stupid to think that one day we could have this, a normal, happy life together. It was a dream, and it will always stay a dream. I can't afford to dream like that again. It only leads to more pain, deception, grief. There are some things I've learned to my costs: we have to live in the present, not in the future, or in the past.. It's the only way to be as happy as we can.

"Hey! Were are you?" I'm drag out of my rêverie by a smiling Vaughn.

"Umh?"

" Where here." I look around and see dozens of tree.

" Oh, sorry I was thinking."

" Yeah, I saw that." 

" So, where are we? Looks like we're in the forest." He looks at me as if I've lost my mind.

" You needed a tree. So this is the best place ever to find the perfect  
one." I'm amazed. I can't believe he knows somewhere when can find dozens of trees one week before Chritsmas.

" This is..."

"Amazing?" God I swear he can read my mind.

"Yeah." I smile, staring to the best green I've ever seen: his eyes.

" Good. So let's find the greatest tree we can!" With that he opens his door, walk in front of the car and come to open my door without looking away from me. He takes my hand. "Come on, I know where to find the  
best trees."

As we walk between the trees a male voice stop us.

" Hey Mike! Glad to see you finally came by to say hi!"

" Hi! Uh, yeah I was going to see you after we find a tree for Sydney."  
The old man turns he head and smile at me.

" Nice to finally meet you! I've heard a lot about you!" I'm surprise this man already knows me, but I shake his hand cheerfully.

" Oh! Really? Well, nice to meet you too." We look at Vaughn, who's slightly embarrassed.

" Umh...Maybe we should just see what tree Syd wants and then we'll let you know."

" OK, but you won't go until we've had a talk!" Vaughn sighs in defeat.

" OK, we'll see you later then."

" It'll be a pleasure to talk a little with the 'Great Sydney' " the man says as he walks away. I turn to Vaughn.

" Who's he? What did he mean by ' I've heard a lot about you' ?" Vaughn looks down.

" He's my uncle, Uncle Bob. I've talk to him about you a little bit."

" Oh, OK. Does he work here?"

" No, actually he owns it. "

" So you must know how to choose trees, don't you?"

" Yeah, he taught me some things when I was a kid."

" Good, I've a tree expert with me!"

" I wouldn''t say that..."

"Aww, come on, don't be so modest! So let's go! Let's find my Christmas tree!"

With that I take his hand and bring him with me in front oh the biggest tree we can find here.

" What do you think of this one?" Vaughn looks at me as if I've lost my mind.

" Unless you want to put it in front of your house instead of in the living  
room, I'm not sure it's a really good idea."

" But it's nice to have a big tree, isn't it?"

" Syd, it is ten feet taller than your ceiling " I pout like a five-years old girl.

" Come on, you know you won't win!"

"Ok, so next one!" His hand still warming mine, we walk from tree to tree, trying to find The tree. We must look like a normal couple looking for a last-minute Christmas fit . And there we are, in front of the most beautiful tree I've ever seen. It's perfect, the perfect height, not to tall, but not to small, the perfect green -well not as perfect as his eyes- the perfect smell. It is really perfect.

" So, what about this one?" I can't help to look at it and smile. 

"It is..."

" Beautiful?" he tries.

" No...perfect". He chuckles.

" Okay, I think you chose your tree then."

About thirty minutes later the tree was on the car, strongly fixed with cords, so it wouldn't fall from there on the road. Of course we couldn't leave without having talk to Uncle Bob, so we've been invited into his warm, comfortable little house. it's a little wood house, spartan surrondings, with only some photographs on the wall, a couch, two armchairs, a coffee table on the living room. Both Vaughn and I are sitting on the couch in front of the fire while Uncle Bob is making some tea for the three of us. He came back from the kitchen, handed us our cup of tea, and sit in a chair near the couch.

" So, did you find the tree you were looking for?" asks Uncle Bob.

" Yeah, it is perfect, exactly the one I wanted." I reply with a smile on my face.

" Good. Did Mikey helped you or did he forgot everything I've taught him?" Uncle Bob looks toward Vaughn, waiting for him to say for the millionth time :

" Don't call me like that! I'm not ten anymore!" Bob chuckles with me. I take this occasion for asking about Vaughn's childhood.

" Was Mike a good student?" Vaughn looks down and blushes.

" I wouldn't say that...he was a good tree climber, actually the best I've ever seen, but when it come to learn the names of the trees, or how to cut then correctly, he was...well let say my dog was more interesting by what I was saying than him." I look at him, smiling knowingly.

" Yeah, when he's not interested by something he shows it well." Vaughn starts to protest.

" Hey, I wasn't so bad, I sold some of your trees!"

" Yeah to cutes little girls to whom parents would've buy anything to make them happy, even if it was the worst tree on earth. They only wanted to see your smile, that's all."

" Yeah his smile has a great power on women." I nod. Vaughn looks at me shyly first, but we both are quickly lost in each other's eyes. Vaughn looks at his Uncle and his brow furrows.

" You're okay?" Uncle Bob looks up, awake from his daydreaming.

" Yeah, yeah. Umh, why don't you help me with this, while Sydney relax on the couch?" Knowing that he wants to talk to him about serious stuff, I smile and Vaughn follows him in the kitchen.

As I start to drop off on the couch, I stand up and walk toward the kitchen, in order to ask Vaughn if we can go soon. As I approach the kitchen I hear Vaughn.

"It's complicated."  
What's complicated? Everything's complicated in my life, nothing's as simple as it was to be. Even being with Vaughn is complicated. It was the simpliest thing in my life before, but not anymore. I decide to stay here a little longer - not that I want to listen what they're saying, of course not - just waiting for them to finish their conversation.

"Of course it is. But it's so obvious Mike! I know by your look that she's the One. The only being on earth who makes you feel the luckiest and happiest man of the world. The only one you want to pass the rest of his life with, the only one who made you smile when you just looks at her, the only one you want to share everything with. Your soulmate. When you told me about her it was clear that you loved her. But now that I've seen both of you together, how you behave with each other, I'm truly convince that you're meant for each other."

" Uncle Bob, you know we have a long history together, and as much as I want us to be together again, we still have to work things out before starting anthing."

" Then work out, and be happy!" Vaughn continues to protest.

" It's not that sim- "

" Mike, listen to me. There's nothing so complicated and so simple at the same time, I know that. But she loves you, and you love her, so stop acting like a stupid teenager and make decisions! If you don't try you'll never know if it can work!" Vaughn doesn't know what to say, so I choose this moment to interrupt them.

" Sydney!" Uncle Bob says for telling Vaughn I'm here.

" Something's wrong?"

" No, nothing. It's just I'm kinda exhausted, so maybe- "

" Oh, yeah, sorry I lost track of time." Vaughn turn toward Uncle Bob.

" We'd better go."

" Thanks for the tea." I thank Uncle Bob.

" You're welcome. I'd be glad to see you again Sydney." I smile to him.

" Yeah, me too." We walk through the living room and Vaughn opens the door. Uncle Bob tells him in a hushed tone "Think about what I said." Vaughn nods, and we walk toward the car.

After a few minutes I finally broke the silence.

" Your Uncle's really nice."

" Yeah, he is. He said the same thing about you." I nod and ask:

" What was he talking about, when we left?"

"Oh, nothing...just...some stuff about life, you know..." I nod. Oh, yeah I know, better than you think.

He drives silently for some minutes, and then turns to look at me while we're waiting at the lights.

" What?" I ask as he doesn't stop to stare at me.

" Nothing...just..."

" What? Tell me what's in your mind." He looks down.

" Uhm...well...I was thinking that maybe we could...uhm...you don't  
have to decide right now, but I...we could..."

" Vaughn, you're rambling! Go ahead!" He blushes. I like when he blushes because of me. At least I still have a little power on him.

" Well, I was wondering if...if..."

"Yeah?"

" If...you'd go to dinner someday...with me?" I laugh, which makes Vaughn more uncomfortable.

" That's all?"

" Uhm...yeah." I smile to him.

" I' d like that." He looks at me unsure.

" You sure? You don't have to decide -"

" Vaughn, you've heard my answer."

" Okay. So, uhm, just...let me know when it's okay for you."  
As we approach the block Vaughn ask me:

" It's pretty late now, so maybe I could help you with the tree tomorrow?"

" You don't have to, I can do this by myself. Besides , I though you were working tomorrow." He shakes his head.

" Actually I've some days off."

" Oh, OK then. Just come when you want, I don't sleep much these days." He stops the car in the little parking in front of the block.

" Ok. So, I'll see you tomorrow then."

" Yeah. Good night." I say as I open the door.

" Good night." He smiles and watches me walk toward my door, until I  
enter and close the door behind me.

I'm so tired, and don't even have the force to take a bath. So I walk through the living room without turning on the lights, go straight to my bedroom and fall on the bed. I close my eyes some minutes just thinking about the nice day today was.

Things were so simple, I could just be me, not thinking about how to act, what to say. I felt free for the first time since I'm back. I'm just...happy. That's all, but when you haven't feel like that since years you almost forgot how it is. And you appreciate it even more.

After about thirty minutes I decide to change into PJ's, so I get up, walk to my drawer and pick up a shirt and pants. I change quickly, letting my clothes on the floor, and cuddle under the covers. I drop off quickly.

But this peace is short, and I wake up a few hours later sweating and crying. The hapiness's been quickly replaced by terror, fear, ghosts from my past which will haunt me forever. People I killed when I worked for SD-6 and believed that they was the good guys, flash of memories of the past two years I can't remember, only on these horrible nightmares.

I turn to look at my watch: 3am. Well, at least I've slept almost four hours, that's not too bad. I got up and take a book, walk to the living room and sit on the couch. Books have always had a power on me. They help me to relax, calm down, to empty my mind. Books are refuge for me, I love getting lost in stories of people who're happy at the end.

Maybe I'll be happy too someday, like at the end of these novels. Maybe I'll find a way to love someone who will love me back, to live a cute and inviting house, two children - or three, we'll see - and a normal, boring job. I just want to have what every people have: a normal life.


	7. Chap 7

It's about 9 when I hear a knock at the door. I open it and first all I see is a big box. Then I see Vaughn's head point out from one side of the box.

" Hey. Care if I come in?" I let him in.

" No, no, sorry." He puts the box down on the coffee table.

" What is it?" I ask him while I try to open the box and find out what's in. He puts his hand on mine to stop me.

" Don't, it's a surprise." I smile to him and look down at hour hands, his on mine. We stay like that a little longer than, necessary, but he eventually put his hands on his pockets, blushing slightly.

" Umh, do you want something to drink, or a breakfast?"

" No thanks, I've already ate. But...did you have one?"

" Yeah, it's OK, I woke up pretty early." He looks at me anxiously.

" Weiss told me you didn't sleep well since..." he trails off.

" Yeah, I've had some bad nights, but it's okay now." I better lie to him and don't see this pity in his eyes, than to tell him the truth. The way he looks at me I can tell he doesn't believe me, but I don't care. Hopefully he changes the subject.

" So, where do you wanna put your tree?"

" Uhm...I'm not sure. Maybe there, or there. What do you think?"

" I don't know...Yeah maybe there, so you can sit on your couch and admire it."

" Yeah, OK, good idea."

" OK. Let's install it."

" Yeah." I follow him to his car, where the tree is still well fixed.

"OK, umh, I take the feet and you the head. I'll follow you. I do as he says, and soon we're in my apartment, trying desperately to make the tree stand.

" I should have brought something to hold it."

" No, we'll make it." He looks around, searching something that could work. "Do you have some big pyres?"

" Uhm, yeah, I'll go get them. You can hold the tree alone?"

" Yeah, yeah, it's OK." I walk outside and bring back the biggest pyres I can find.

" Will this work?"

" Yeah, it's perfect. Here, help me." I hold the tree while he fit up the pieces of wood around the feet of the tree.

" OK, let's see if it works." I let go the tree but the fitting doesn't work and the tree falls. We try to catch it but it's too heavy, and we both fall on the floor. He falls on the top of me, both of us laughing. He stops suddenly and stares in my eyes. I stop laughing too and get lost in his. I can see in his eyes regret -regret of all the time we lost together maybe- but also something new, something I haven't seen for three years and half: love. Or at least I hope this is love. He starts bending on me, his face inches of mine. I can feel his breath on my lips. He looks down at my mouth, then back to my eyes, as if asking the permission of kissing me. I could almost feel his soft lips on mine, giving me a sweet and warm kiss, full of love, a promise that tomorrow will get better.

" We should try again and make it work..." The hope and joy I see in his eyes tells me he wants to make it -us- work as much as I do. He bends closer and closer, and...

" the tree." I add. And now I've ruined this perfect moment. How stupid I am! He was going to kiss me, and all I do is talking about this stupid tree on the floor of my living room!

Deception all over his face, he reluctantly gets up and offers me his hands to help me up.

" I think I know what didn't work." he stands up the tree and bends down to try something else, while I hold it again. I watch him placing every pyres, very carefully, his forehead wrinkling with concentration. He's so cute when he does something like that, the tongue in one side of his mouth, his hands expertly moving the wood. I wish one day these hands will be on my skin, instead of where they're now.

" OK, this time it should work." I let it go carefully and the tree stands up perfectly.

" Now turn and close your eyes."

" What? Why?"

" You'll see."

"But- "

" You trust me or not?" I nod, turn and close my eyes. I hear him brewing something during some minutes, and then he walks behind me and put his hands on my eyes.

" OK, now turn." I execute, his hands still on me.

" Now, you can open your eyes." He puts in hands in his pockets as I open my eyes. The box is open, and empty. I look up, and all I see is a fully decorated tree, with pieces of tinsel, balls, all the Christmas decorations you'd want on your tree.

" I though that given you hadn't bough a tree you'd not have decorations to put on it, so..." I look at him in amazement.

" Vaughn, you didn't have to- "

" I know; but I wanted to offer this to you. These are specials to me, and I hope they'll bring you happiness like they did to me."

I remember he told me once about these decorations. His father brought him one year to buy new decorations, some weeks before Christmas. He was seven. He told him to always keep them safe with him, that they were special decorations that would bring happiness in the house they were. It was the last Christmas he spend with his father, and since that time he has always kept them preciously.

" Vaughn, no, I...it's too much, I can't accept."

" Please, I really want you to have them. Beside, I don't need them anymore, I've found my own source of happiness." I look in his eyes and all I can see is honestly. Tears are threatening to fall -again- I smile to him and open my mouth to speak, but his phone rings. He smiles apologetically.

" Sorry." I nod and he walks to the other side of the living room, but I still can hear him.

" Hello...Hey! How're you doing?...Fine, thanks...Yeah, me too, I'm sorry...Uhm uhm...Yeah...Of course, no, go ahead...A date? Yeah, no problem, I don't have anything planned...What time?...OK...I'll be there...Yeah, me too...OK...Bye!"

A date? He has a date? With someone else? No, it can't be possible.. Why did he ask me to go to dinner with him so? Maybe that's true, maybe we're just friends for him. But what happened earlier, it was more than what friends have. Or am I desperately hoping for something that will never happen? Again...I should have learned from the past: never hoping something happy will happen to you. How could have I been so stupid? Thinking that maybe one day we will be together again? Of course we're just friends, what else? But what he said to his uncle yesterday, it wasn't my imagination, was it?

" You're OK?" I look up at him, he has hung up his phone and stays in front of me, smiling. Is the idea of having a date with someone -not me- that make him so happy? I couldn't bear to see him with another woman, not again. I better like not to see him at all.

" Yeah, I'm fine. I just remembered I've something important to do at work."

" Oh, I thought you told you hadn't work to do these days."

" No, but...Kendall's secretary called me this morning." I know he doesn't believe me, he knows me too well and knows I just gave him an excuse to make him leave.

" I'm sorry, I don't want to push you out, it's just..."

" You have work to do, I understand, it's OK." An awkward silence fills the room, and we both look at our feet, not knowing what to say.

" So, I...I'd better go and let you get ready."

" Yeah."

" OK, I'll see you at...I'll see you."

" Yeah, thank you for the tree. Tell Weiss I say hi."

" I will."

" Thanks."

" OK, bye."

" Bye."

With that he leaves me alone, in my too-big-home-for-me-alone.

Suddenly it's like I was dead inside, but in worse, getting cold from the heart to all over my body. I don't feel anything but that I'm empty, lost, mentally and sentimentally dead. I put my head on my hands, falls on the couch and cry.

I don't know how many times I spend here crying, but I know I've no tear left. I fall asleep exhausted, on a salted and wet pillow. As if life isn't sad enough for me, I cannot find refuge into sleep. When I close my eyes the sadness of today is replaced by the horrors of yesterday.

I woke up more tired that I was before I dripped off, crying and sweating again. I drag myself to the bathroom and slip into a warm bath. At least I have peace for some hours when I'm in there. Baths always relax me, make me forget for some time the world out there. After tiring missions Vaughn used to run me a bath, bringing me a glass of wine, and then washed me and massage my sore body. But I have to stop thinking about these happy times. It's all gone now, I'm all alone, and I feel like I'll always be. All I want is Vaughn, but he isn't mine anymore, he has someone else in his life. I have to accept this and more on, but I can't. Vaughn is all I ever wanted, and all I'll always need. I don't want someone else in my life, no one can replace him. Either I'll be with him, either I'll stay alone, until death. But I won't find someone else, I can't.

I've never felt like this after Danny. I loved him, of course, but I've never thought I'll stay alone after him. At the beginning yes, of course, but, then I met Vaughn, and I learned how to trust again, how to believe again, and how to love again. He's all to me, and I know no one will be able to give me what he did. Love, happiness, trust. We completed each other so well, I know I'll never find someone like him. And I don't want to.

I woke up some hours later in a cold bath, all the bubbles gone. That's how I spend my days when I'm not working, sleeping here and there, some hours of piece before waking up because of daily nightmares. I stand up and put on a robe, walk toward by bedroom and get dressed again. It's almost 1pm, I should eat lunch. But I'm not hungry. I used to wolf down in the past, but I'm off my food. Why eating when you're not living? I force myself to swallow down some leftovers, cold chicken, tomatoes and an apple. I kill the rest of the time cleaning a little and reading, on my couch, in front of my tree. And of course it reminds me who helped me to install it. Every time I look up at it I want to cry. I think every time I'll see a Christmas tree I'll want to try, remembering the great time -maybe the last- Vaughn and I had. I should have guessed that no matter how hard I try it's hopeless to have him back in my life. I drop off on the couch without having a dinner. Like usually I woke up abruptly, screaming and sweating and crying. But I must have been louder than the other nights because there's a knock at the door. I don't want to see anyone right now, so I don't answer. After all it's 1:30am, most of the people are sleeping at this time. But Weiss knows me, and keeps knocking.

" I know you're awake, Syd. Come on, open the door. Anyway I've the key, so I can go take it and come in, you know." He's right, he has a key in case of…… I walk toward the door, open it and go sit on the couch without looking at him.

" What do you want, you should be sleeping." I know it's harsh, but I don't care. I want him to go as quickly as possible, and instead he sit down next to me on the couch.

" We heard you screaming so loud, we though something was going on..." We? So he's not the only one who heard me. He looks at me anxiously.

" You still have these nightmares, don't you?

" Just sometimes, I'm fine Weiss. Really."

" Syd- "

" Look, you should go back to bed."

" You wanna talk about it?"

" About what?" The look he gives me tells me not to play with him.

" I told you I'm fine!"

" Syd, you know you can't lie to me."

" I just wanna be alone right now."

" You know it's not the solution."

" Maybe, but for now it works."

" OK, I'll come by in the morning. And it's not negotiable!" I sigh.

" Fine...night."

" Night." 

With that he goes back to his place, and I walk to the kitchen to make some tea and eat something, since I haven't had dinner.

I spend the next days working, trying to occupy my mind. Most of the agents took some vacations, wanting to spend the end of the year with their families. There's not much work to do, so we take our time reading files, looking for new intel. Most of the analysts took some days off too, and as field agents have no work to do, we replace the analysts. It's a very boring job, but it helps me emptying my mind. I wouldn't like to do it all the time, but for now it's welcome. I try to stay at work as late as I can, avoiding Vaughn, going back to home in the middle of the night, and leaving home early. But Kendall told to us to stay at home, only a few agents are still working, and he wouldn't let me stay. So now I'm at home, reading, gardening, jogging, having nightmares, crying to sleep. Daily basis. All I have to do is wait for Christmas to end.

One day as I was running in the park I see Vaughn, jogging with his dog, and coming toward me. I try to hide behind a tree but he sees me, and approaches. I act nonchalantly, at least I try, but I'm nervous and I can tell he's too. But why should he be nervous? Is he uncomfortable with me now that he's with someone else?

" Hey!"

"Hi!"

" I haven't seen you a lot those days."

" You know, work..." He nods and looks at his feet, at his dog, at some  
joggers, but not at me. Eventually he looks up.

" So, uhm...you...the party's soon." Oh no, I've totaly forgot about that!

" Yeah."

" And...who...does someone come with you?" He doesn't want me to be alone, given he'll not be.

" No, not yet. Maybe I'll go with Weiss...I'm not sure to come anyway."

" Oh, why?"

" I'm not in the mood to have a wild time."

" You...I heard you screaming the other night."

" Sorry I woke you."

" No, don't be...You...You're okay? I mean..." I don't want his pity, I don't want him to care about me, while he spend his days and nights with another woman. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him again.

" I'm fine."

" Does it happen often? Nightmares?"

" No, just sometimes, one or two days a month."

" You wanna tal-"

" I'm fine Vaughn, I can take care of myself."

" I know, I'm sorry y-"

" Stop being sorry for me Vaughn! You're always sorry for me! You're sorry I've a sad childhood, you're sorry I lost everyone I love, you're sorry I lost the last two year of my life, you're sorry my mom is who she is, you're sorry my father is not here for me every time I need him, you're sorry I have nightmares! What will you be sorry for next? That you're seing someone else? That you've moved on and that I can't? Well great, be sorry Vaughn, but I don't want to be here when you are! "

" What are you talking about?"

" Don't lie to me Vaughn! At least be honest with me for one time in your life!" He tries to deny it, and I hate when he does that. It makes me insane, more insane that I already am.

" Syd I don't understand, explai-"

" You know exactly what I'm talking about! Don't play the innocent with me!"

" No, I-"

" You're not even capable of being honest with me about it! How to you want me to trust you again? You said I can always relay on you, but it was another lie! And you know what? I'm tired of all these lies! I'm tired of being the perfect woman who can overcome everything, the one who's always here for everyone, and for whom no one is here!"

" I's not true, you know I'm her-"

" Stop this, Vaughn! I don't want to hear anything else! And I don't want to hear anything about you anymore! Stay away from me, and don't you dare send Weiss to argue your case!"

With that I run away, not looking back until two or maybe three miles. I only stop when I can't breathe anymore, tears pouring out, a lump in the throat. And suddenly I feel giddy, my head his spinning like hell. I'm so nauseous, I bend forward, and throw up, again and again and again. My stomach is empty, I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, but my body doesn't care, and it hurts like hell. When it finally stops I'm sink to the ground, not able to move.


	8. Chap 8

I wake up in a bed, it's not mine, but there's something familiar about it, the smell. I know this scent: it's Vaughn's. But where am I? The room is dark, and quiet. I try to sit but my head hurts so much that I fall back on the pillow. I listen, trying to hear something that could help me guessing where I am, but I hear nothing. All I can do is wait. Wait and think. First, I need to find out where I am. Second, I need to find a way to get out of here. I'm not at my place, nor in a hospital. I can't be at Vaughn's place, his house is gone. There's only one place left: Weiss's. But what I am doing here, and how did I get here? I don't understand...I'm so tired, I drop off again.

I don't even have the strength to have nightmares, and for the first time since -well, since I can remember-, I wake up by myself. I turn my head to my left, and see Weiss, sitting on a chair near the bed, half asleep.

" Weiss..." I try to speak but my throat is so dry, I can almost whisper. I try again "Weiss..." He opens his eyes and looks at me, relief all over his face.

" Syd, hey, how are you feeling?"

" Water."

" Oh, yeah, I'll be right back." He left the room and came back some minutes later, with a glass of water.

" Here." He holds my head and the glass as I sip some water. But it's so painful, I cough and spit.

" Sorry."

" Nah, don't worry, it's OK." He put the glass on the nightstand and looks back at me.

" Feel better?" I nod, not able to speak.

" You gave us a good scare! What happened?"

" Felt sick...I threw up...and I guess I fainted."

" I already know that, Vaughn told me how he found you." The mention of Vaughn must change something in my eyes, because Weiss notices it.

" Don't worry, he's not here." I ask him with my eyes to tell me what he knows.

" He told me you were upset...actually 'furious' was the word he used...anyway, he told me you ran away after your fight. He tried to catch up with you, and when he finally found you, you were lying on the ground, unconscious, near what seemed to be the contents your stomach." He pauses, looking at me, I nod assuring him that he can continue.

" He carried you here, and called a doctor."

" He...carried me?"

" When he knocked on the door, with you in his arms, he was...I don't know, I'm  
not sure he'd like me to tell you."

"Weiss!"

" OK, he was a wreck, literally. Sweating and crying and mumbling incoherent things...he laid you down on the couch, and called a doctor." I panic a little. I don't want anyone to see my like that, and not the first quack he found.

" Don't worry, he's Vaughn's friend, he won't talk to anyone."

" What happened...next?"

" Rick, the doctor, said you were in a state of exhaustion, unbalanced diet, and you were suffering from hypothermia. So Vaughn gave you a warm bath and -"

" What?" I can believe he did this. A saw me, and washed me!

" Come on, it's not the first time he saw you like that Syd! Anyway he was more worried about warming you up than checking you out." I look down, not knowing what to do, or what to say.

" What? You'd like it better if I gave you a bath?" I laugh, Weiss always know how to make me laugh, even when I'm depressed, like now.

" Thank you!"

" You're welcome."

" Where is he?"

" Vaughn?" I nod.

" He's gone for medication." He pauses before continuing. "He's really worried about you, you know."

" That's what he says."

" What do you mean? Syd, he cares a lot about you." I shake my head. How could he care about me while he's going out with someone else? I'm nothing for him now, just the poor girl who spoils everything she has.

" Look, he didn't tell me what your fight was about, but he seemed confused, as if he didn't understand why you were so upset."

" He knows exactly why."

" You wanna tell me?"

" You can ask him."

" Syd...I just want to help you, both of you, but if I don't know what's going on..."

" Why do you want to help us?"

" Because I'm your friend, yours and Vaughn's, and I don't want my buddies to fall apart while all I can do is watch. I love you, both, and I want you to be happy."

" Vaughn's happy."

" No, he's not. Why do you think he is?"

" Because he has someone else in his life."

" What do you mean? He didn't tell me about anyone."

" Maybe because he doesn't want you to know."

" Tell me why you think he's seeing someone?"

" The other day he- "  
We hear the front door opening, Vaughn must be back. Weiss looks at me.

" We'll continue this discussion later. For now, rest."

" Weiss- " He nods as he stands up.

" I know, I won't tell him you're awake."

" Thanks."

" Call me if you need anything, OK?"

" OK."

I try to sleep a little, but my mind is too busy to let me rest. About two hours later the door opens slightly. I look up and see its Vaughn.

" Go away." He comes in and sits on the chair.

" How are you feeling?" I turn my head to my right, avoiding his gaze.

" Syd, I-"

" I'm tired." He sighs.

" Tell me at least why you're so angry at me."

" You know why."

" No, I don't."

" I want to sleep. Leave me alone."

" As you want." He's angry, I can tell it by the sound of his voice. He stands up  
and put something on the nightstand.

" Here are your pills and some water. You need to take all of them. Now." As I don't reply he sighs again and walks toward the door.

" Sleep well." He adds before leaving the room. A single tear rolls over my cheek, and I fell into a deep sleep a little while after.

I wake up a little later, with a horrible headache. I eventually decide to take some pills: something for my head, and vitamins. But I don't take two of them: the sleeping pill, because I don't want to sleep right now, and the pain pill, because if I don't feel the pain I'm afraid I won't feel alive. When you can't feel the pain in your body, it's like you're dead. And if I take the sleeping pills it will only drive me faster to new nightmares. So I decide to stay awake, and fight against the pain alone, without drugs. Being in pain is the proof you're still alive. And being awake, well, it helps me not having those horrible dreams. At least not too soon. But sometimes I wonder if the real world isn't worse than these dreams...

I wish I had something to do, something to read, but there's nothing here. So I finally close my eyes and try to get some sleep.

I eventually get some rest before waking up screaming, and crying. Like always. I almost forgot how it is just to wake up myself, with the sunrise at the windows. I'd give anything just to make it happen once. Just one time, and I'll remember it when the mornings aren't so easy. Maybe just the memory would give me something to look forward to.

I try to get up, but my head's spinning, so I sit on the edge of the bed first. I feel a little better than yesterday, but I'm not very well. I push on my feet but soon fall on the floor. I can't stand up, everything's spinning around me, I'm in a fog. I climb on the bed and call for Weiss, but as soon as I call for him he's already there and quickly helps me to sit on the bed.

" You're OK? We heard a boom." He checks on me quickly, like a big brother would do.

" Yeah, I was just trying to get up and..."

" Oh. You should have called me. What to you need? You want a drink? Something to eat? What? Ask me an I'll get it."

" I just want to get out of here and go back to my place." He shakes he head.

" Syd, you know you can't. You can't stand up, so how would you take care of yourself?"

" I'm a big girl Weiss, I can take care of myself."

" Yeah, that's why you're here. Because you took care of yourself." I look down, like a child who's just been grounded.

" Syd, you'll stay here until you feel better."

" Weiss, I feel better." He chuckles.

" Yeah, that's what I see. Listen, you can stay here as long as you want."

" I don't want to be a burden-"

" Syd, you'll never be a burden, you know that. You're one of my best friends, and nothing will ever change that. So just rest and feel better. That's all I want you to do. OK?" I nod.

" Good. So now I'm gonna grab you something for breakfast, and I won't leave until you finished it!" With that he leaves and comes back some minutes later, with a huge tray. He puts it on my lap. There's coffee, orange juice, cookies, pancakes, some fruit, milk and eggs. 

" Weiss, I can't eat everything!"

" Hey, this is my breakfast too, you'll have to share a little."

" OK, I like that idea better than eating alone."

We eat talking about nothing, just what normal friends do. When we can't eat anything more, he puts the tray on the floor and looks at me seriously. He doesn't do that very often, but when he does, you know you have to listen to what he says and you have to do it earnestly.

" We haven't finished our conversation from yesterday." I look down. As much as I don't want to talk about it, I know he won't leave me alone until it is over.

" I know."

" So, why do you think Vaughn's...seeing someone? "

" The other day when he was helping me with the tree, he was on the phone and..." I look up at Weiss, who's looking at me suspiciously.

" I wasn't listening! We were in the same room, I just heard..."

" Um...go on."

" Well, he said he was happy to pick someone up and to go on a...date with 'her'."

" Is that what he said?"

" Almost, yeah."

" Syd, that doesn't mean anything."

" Oh, so what, what about the 'she' he was talking with?"

" Syd, I know him, and I can tell you he'd have told me if he had a date."

" Unless he doesn't want you to know."

" Why?"

" Because if you knew you'd have told me."

" Syd, don't you think you're reading into it a little too much? You really think he would talk about it in front of you? You're not serious."

" Yes, I am! He told me we were friends, and maybe that's really how he feel about me..." I look down again, playing with the sheet. I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them fall. Not in front of Weiss.

" You know it's not true."

" How do I know? We've been avoiding each other since I came back. And now everything's changed."

" And you don't know what to do, what to tell him."

" I've nothing to tell him!"

" Syd, you're lying to yourself, and you know that. I know at least one thing you're dying to tell him."

" Oh, really? And what is it?" I'm curious to know what I could possibly tell to Vaughn.

" You love him, you still love him, even after everything you've both been through, and you will never stop." How can he read me so easily? Is that so obvious?

" Weiss-"

" Tell me it's not the truth."

" I-"

There's a knock at the door, and Vaughn opens it slightly. He looks at us and smiles apologetically.

" Sorry to disturb you. Weiss, it's your mother." And he gives him the phone.

" I'll be right back." Vaughn quickly glances at me and leaves behind Weiss.

Weiss's right, I still love Vaughn, but what he did when I was missing...I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. And now that he's seeing someone else...well if it's true, I couldn't forgive him, but if I'm wrong and he's still alone, well, I'll think about it.

About twenties minutes later Weiss's back. He takes the tray back to the kitchen. I hear him washing the dishes and talking a little with Vaughn. When he comes back I'm lost in my thoughts, and I don't hear him coming in and sitting on the chair.

" Hey! Where are you?"

"Oh, just...thinking."

"About what we were talking about?" I nod.

" Syd, if you really want to know where you stand, you have to talk to him."

" But-"

" No 'buts', Syd. You're both adults, and I'm sure you can manage to have this   
conversation without killing each other."

" What am I going to tell him?"

" Just listen to your heart. And everything will be fine."

" It's easier said than done."

" Syd, I understand that you're afraid. If you talk to him and learn that he's seeing someone –which is not the case- then you'll know that all your hopes are gone, that you'll never have the life you want, and the man of your dreams. But if you talk to him and you learn that he's still madly in love with you –which is the truth- then you're afraid of what to do then. Should you try again together? What if it doesn't work? Will you regret giving it another chance? Syd, believe me I can understand this better than you think. But we have only one life, Syd, just one, and if you don't live it then what will you see when you'll look back? What do you want to see? I'm sure you'd like to have tried to see if you and Vaughn are made for each other better than not doing anything." He pauses and adds, a little proud of what he just said. " How's that?"

" Not bad, Mister Freud." He smiles.

" Syd, I'm serious, you both need to talk, and then you'll know. I'm sure you won't  
regret it."

" What if he doesn't want to..."

" Syd, when you love someone even if you're upset or disappointed or angry, you're still in love. And love can forgive everything. I know both of you, and believe me when I tell you everything will be fine. OK?"

" You're really a great friend, did I ever told you that?"

" Yeah, but you can keep telling me."  
After a little pause he continues.

" Listen, you should get some rest, and then talk to him." I nod and lie on the bed again.

I spend most of the day napping, waking up screaming and crying, and thinking about the future. A future where I'm happy, with a normal life, a normal, boring job, the man of my dreams and I buying a house together, our home, with first a dog, and then children. A lot of children. I want a full-of-life house, with children running and playing everywhere. Toys everywhere. A home full of laughter. Love. A family, what I've never had, and what I wish I had. But it's not too late, at least I hope. Because I already know the man of my dreams, the man I want to be the father of our children, the man I want to share everything with, the man I'll grow old with, and the man I'll sleep in eternity with. But for now it's only a dream, another one. And Weiss is right, we have only one life, and I want to live it. I don't want to live to regret my choices. So I'll talk to Vaughn. Tomorrow. This is it. I've made my decision.


	9. Chap 9

Weiss comes in the room later, and looks a little embarrassed.

" Hey!"

" Hey! Feel better?"

" Uhm, a little bit yeah."

" Listen Syd, I...I know you won't like it but...I..."

" What is it? "

" I...I won't be here tonight."

" Oh." That means I'll be here alone, with Vaughn.

What if he wants to talk? What do I do if Weiss is not here? But I'm selfish thinking like that. Weiss won't always be here. I have to be able to stay alone with Vaughn. I'm a big girl after all.

" What are you planning to do?"

" I...I have a...a date." A smile creeps across his face.

" No?!? With who? Clara? Is that it?" He blushes and looks at his hands.

" Yeah."

" That's great!" He looks up at me and smiles slightly.

" Really?"

" Yeah! I'm so happy for you!" With that I give him a hug.

" Thank you."

" Weiss, you really deserve this."

" Yeah, but I think I'll be back soon, don't worry."

" Weiss, I can survive without you."

" I know but..." I know he's thinking about Vaughn, and me, being alone in the same house.

" It's OK, don't worry. Besides, I'm not sure I can fight right now, so you're house won't be totally destroyed when you'll be back."

" Oh, so I'm not worried anymore!" We laugh.

" You should get going, shouldn't you?"

" Yeah. You want me to bring you dinner before I go?"

" If you don't mind..." He stands up.

" I'll go get it."

He brings me some lasagna and an apple, without forgetting a glass of milk and my pills.

" So, see you tomorrow?"

" Yeah. Have fun!"

" I will. Good night."

" You too."

With that he leaves and I start eating.

I've finished my dinner when I hear a knock at the door. Knowing Weiss is not here, it can be only Vaughn. And suddenly my heart beats faster, I start to sweat, my mouth is dry. What's happening to me? I know him, I don't have to be scared of him. After all it's only Vaughn, right?

" Come in." He opens the door and enters slowly in the bedroom, hands in pockets, looking down.

" You...Have you finished your dinner?"

" Uhm...yeah, why?"

" Well, I though I'd bring back the tray and wash the dishes."

" Oh. OK." He takes the tray and starts to leave the room.

" If you need anything, just call me." I nod.

" Vaughn?" He turns and looks at me, his eyes full of hope.

" Thank you." He seems disappointed.

" You're welcome." He smiles slightly and leaves. I don't know why he's disappointed. Was he expecting me to say something? Did Weiss talk to him? Did he tell him to talk to me? Oh no, if he did that I'm gonna kill him! What if I need something? I can't just call him and say what I want. After all I've said to him...Until I know if he's seeing someone else or not, I won't need his help.

I try to sleep, again, but I think I've slept too much today to be tired now. All I can do is think, because there's nothing else I can do. I've no books, no TV, no music. I try to figure out what I'll tell to Vaughn. I think of every possibility. Some hours later I'm thirsty, very thirsty. So I decide to go to the kitchen and drink something. But as I try to stand up I fall again miserably on the floor, with a big noise. My head hits the floor. Immediately Vaughn's here, helping me to get up and sit back on the bed. I feel so scared. But why? Vaughn knows me. I shouldn't be shy in front of him. But as hard I try to be strong, I fail and just seem to be what I am now: a wreck. I'm not the strong Sydney anymore. I'm just lost.

" You're okay?" I look up at him reassuringly.

" Yeah, I was just trying to get up."

" For what?"

" I was thirsty, and-"

" Syd, I told you, you just have to call me." His voice is soft, relaxing.

" I didn't want to disturb you."

" You never disturb me." My eyes are already glassy, and I don't look up, afraid the tears would fall down.

He leans his head, searching for my eyes.

" Syd?"

" I...you..." I sigh. How can it be so hard to talk to him? It used to be so simple, so natural. And now it's like we're strangers again.

"I'll be right back." He leaves and come back with a glass and a bottle of milk. He pours some in the glass and gives it to me.

" Here." I take the glass without looking up, and sip some milk. I put it on the nightstand.

" Feel better?"

" Yeah...thanks." An awkward silence fills the room, as if we were afraid of talking, not knowing what to say. I'm sure he hates me with all I said to him. I'll never forgive myself if I've lost the last chance we had to be together again.

" You wanna talk?" he asks still searching for my eyes. I've never been so afraid in my entire life. It's like what I'll do, or say, would make me die if I do it wrongly. And I will if I he tells me we'll never be more than friends.

" Vaughn...I...What I said to you..."

" You're ready to explain?" I hear the hurt in his voice, I finally look at him and see anger, and pain. Oh no, what have I done to him?

" I need you to be honest with me."

" Syd, I've always been hon –"

" Vaughn...I don't know how to..."

" Just tell me Syd."

" OK." I swallow and take a deep breathe.

"Are you seeing someone else?" God, why did I say 'else'? He wasn't seeing anyone before...

" What?"

" You heard what I said."

" Syd...I..." Oh no, that means 'yes, I've someone in my life, and I'm happy with her.' I feel the tears back in my eyes, and I do all I can do to not let them fall. My hands start to play with the sheet.

" Why are you asking me that?" He doesn't want to answer, so he's definitely going out with someone else.

" Why don't you answer?"

" Syd...why are you thinking I'm going out with someone else?" 'Else'? What does that mean?

" I...I heard you on the phone and-"

" When? " Suddenly he seems to remember when.

" When I was helping you with your tree?" His tone tells me all I needed to know, I shouldn't have heard his call.

" Syd...You're serious?"

" Of course I am! What do you think? That I'm at my absolute lowest because of nothing?" He swallows painfully, looking down.

" Syd, I...I don't know what to say..."

" The truth. Only the truth. Even if it hurts. I want to know." He looks up at me.

" What do you want to know Syd? I don't understand why you're acting like this."

" Because it makes me insane knowing I've lost you! Knowing I've lost you again!"

" Syd-"

" Since I'm back all I've wanted is for you to came back to me! I woke up, and for me it was only hours Vaughn! Hours, not years! And how do you think I've felt since that day? You just told me you were married; you forgot me, and what were you expecting me to say Vaughn? Nice, I'm happy for you? Can you at least imagine how I felt that day? It was like I was slowly dying in this room, like you were ripping my heart away! "  
I'm crying, tears falling down my cheeks, and I do my best not to run away. At least I want him to know what he's done to me.

"You were my life, we were so happy, and then after learning that my best friend's been doubled, that she's dead, after finding Will in the bathtub, I woke up and just find out that the only person I loved with all my soul is married, only two years after I went missing! And when I thought we could have a chance to be together again, I learn that you're happy with someone else! That all I was hoping for since I've been back, all I've ever dreamed of having since I was a child, I will never have it! I was so stupid believing you'd come back to me after your divorce. I should have known that." He doesn't say anything, just looks straight into my eyes. His eyes are glassy, and full of pain. But I avoid his gaze and look back at my lap.

" Syd, I..." He moves from the chair and sits on the bed. He tries to take my hands in his but I don't let him and cross my arms on my chest.

" Go away!"

" No. I won't."

" Syd...I'm not going out with someone else."

" I don't believe you. Not anymore."

" Sydney, I am not seeing someone else."

" So who was on the phone?"

" It was my cousin." I shake my head.

" That's all you can come up with?"

" Syd, she..." He moves closer to me and takes my hand, not letting me pull away.

" After you...she lost her husband about a month before...and we've been helping each other. I wouldn't let anyone help me because they didn't know how hard it is to lose the love of your life." Did he just say...he loved me, I've never doubted that, but...

" I was drinking day and night, alone in my apartment, crying, slowly dying...And one night we met at a store, we were both looking for more alcohol, and...we started to talk about what happened. She came at my place and we talked all the night, drinking and grieving. And we decided to see us again, to help each other, because we both knew..." I feel so stupid. Why didn't I listen to him earlier?

" The other day she was asking me if I could give her a ride, because she has a date, and she wanted to have a hair cut, buy some clothes, and she wanted me to help her, like she did when..."

" When you were dating Lauren."

" Yeah." He replies softly, and says in the same tone. It hurts.

" Syd, if I would've known you thought I..." He sighs, and lifts my chin up, looking straight into my soul.

" I would never betray you. I would never...Syd, you're the only person I want to be with, I need to be with. I want to give us another chance. I don't want to lose you again. I can't lose you twice." With that he puts me in a hug and holds me tightly. I close my eyes and get lost in the sensation. His body is warm, a comforting warm, the one I needed for so long. His arms are still strong, enveloping all my body. I bury my head in the crock of his neck, breathing his scent as if it is oxygen. But he's my oxygen. I can't live without him. He's breathing in my neck, his warm breath sending a shiver all over my body. We reluctantly pull back, but he puts his forehead against mine, our eyes still closed. We stay like that in silence, just enjoying each other presence.

"Vaughn..." He opens his eyes but doesn't move.

" Uhm?"

" I...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Tears are back again in my eyes. He moves backs but takes my hands in his again.

" What I said before...I shouldn't..." I take a deep breath.

" I shouldn't have said that, I..." I'm not able to talk, I'm crying and sobbing.

" Shhh... Syd, you don't have to do this, it's OK."

" No...it's not OK! I...I could have lost you and...I...because of me..." He wipes my tears and hugs me again. He holds me quietly, not saying anything, just letting me cry on his shoulder. Like he used to do... After what seems an eternity I eventually pull back.

" Thanks."

" You don't have to thank me, I've told you before. It's my job."

" When you were my handler, yeah, but..."

" I'm more than your handler..."

" You've always been." He smiles, one of his secret smiles that makes me weak. I could spend days just looking at him. His eyes. His smile. Being in his arms. And one day I'll do that again. I hope we'll do that again.

" You should get some sleep." I sigh, not wanting to hear those words. 

" That's all I've done these days."

" Yeah, but that's what you didn't do for months."

I nod and lie in the bed. He tucks me in and kisses me on the forehead.

" Sleep well."

" You too."

He leaves the room, letting me rest. But this time I fall asleep with a smile on my face.


	10. Chap 10

Despite the fact I feel much better after our 'conversation', my night is still the same. I slept on and off, because of the nightmares, as usual. But in the morning I finally get some rest.

I feel something on my cheek, something soft, something warm. It feels good. I don't move, still half asleep. It puts a streak of hair behind my ear. Then it returns to my cheek, caressing softly, as if it was afraid to touch me.

"Syd?" I know this voice...

"Syd?" I stir a little.

" Hey, time to wake up..." he speaks in a soft tone. I slowly open my eyes and see a pair of green eyes looking at me. He smiles.

" Morning."

" Morning."

" It's almost noon, I thought you should eat something." A smile crosses my face. I've been dreaming of a morning like that since I've been back. It's so domestic, it reminds me of a time some years ago when Vaughn brought me breakfast at bed. We used to stay in bed as late as we could, enjoying the few days off we could have. It was heaven.

I sit on the bed, the sheet still covering me, and he puts the tray on my lap.

" I didn't know what you'd like, so I brought different things."

" Thank you." I look at him smiling.

" What?" He asks.

" Nothing... I'm just...happy I guess..."

" I'm glad you're happy." He smiles as I nod and look down at the tray.

" Vaughn! You didn't have to buy the whole store!"

" I wasn't sure about what you wanted, so..."

" I haven't changed, I still- " I look down. I shouldn't talk about the past. The past is the past. And we are in present. I don't have to live in the past anymore.

" Then just eat what you want, I'll take the rest."

" You didn't have breakfast?"

" Uhm, no. Actually I woke up pretty late too."

" Oh. OK." I grab a croissant and start to eat. He chooses a muffin. We eat quietly for some minutes, enjoying the morning.

" So...what do you want to do today?"

" I think I'll go back to my place. I've been here enough." I sip my coffee.

" You know you can stay here as long as you want."

" I'll be fine."

" I'm not sure Weiss will let you go." I smile at him.

" I think I'm gonna take a shower. I kinda...smell."

" You're not that bad..." He smiles.

Vaughn takes the tray back to the kitchen and washes the dishes. I try to stand up slowly. It's better than yesterday. I'm still dizzy but I don't fall on the floor. I start to walk toward the bathroom. But the problem is: I have no idea where the bathroom is. Vaughn hears me and comes and stops in front of me.

" What are you doing?"

" I'm gonna take a shower remember, I'm pretty sure we talked about it "

" You should have called me, I would have helped you." I smile. He always wants to help...

" I'm okay. It's just spinning a little."

" Oh." He grab my arms and leads me toward the bathroom.

" You want me to help you?" Suddenly he blushes, realizing what he just said.

" I mean...if you need something...if you want..."

" I got it." I smile and search for his eyes.

" Uhm...do you know where I can find a towel?" He quickly grabs one in a cupboard and hands it to me.

" Need something else?" He looks embarrassed and doesn't look in my eyes.

" No, thanks."

" OK...I...I'll be right there, if you need me...I mean..."

" I'll call you if I need help." With that he hurries out of the bathroom and closes the door. I look at the face staring back at me in the mirror. I look horrible. I have dark circles under my eyes, I look pale, and my hair is dirty and tangled. I pull my clothes off. I'm looking for something to brush my hair when I hear a knock at the door. It starts to open slightly. The towel is too far away for me to catch it. So I cover myself with my arms.

" Don't open-" He closes quickly the door, and waits a few seconds before speaking.

" Oh.... Uhm...Sorry...I...I was just thinking, you can take a bath if you want...it'll be more relaxing..."

" Uhm...okay...thanks!"

Now I really need something to relax! I fill the bath tube with hot water and slide in. It feels so good. I let my body relax in the hot water and close my eyes, getting lost in the sensation. I feel the warmth first in my toes, slowly reaching my knees, then all my legs. My belly slowly warming up, then my torso, my throat. I slide further in the water and shelter every inch of my body into this warm cocoon, from toes to head. I stay like that some minutes and reluctantly pull my head out, needing oxygen. I clean myself and relax until the water is getting cold. I step out the bathtub and wrap myself in the towel.

I pick up the tee shirt on the floor but let it fall on the floor. It smells a lot...I can't believe I wore that and no one told me...I have to find something to wear...but what? I can't go to my apartment wrapped in a towel! I open the door slightly and pick out my head.

" Vaughn?" He's immediately in front of the door, avoiding looking at me, staring at the floor.

" You...you need something?"

" Actually...I have no clothes to put on, so...maybe you could go to my apartment and bring back some clothes?"

" Uhm, no... I don't have the keys. Weiss has them."

" Oh."

" You can borrow my clothes...if you want.... if you don't want to, it's ok...it's just...I thought..."

" Vaughn, stop rambling."

" Sorry..." He finally looks up at me.

" So...you wanna borrow some clothes?"

" Yeah, it would be nice."

" OK. I'll be right back." I close the door and he knocks some minutes later.

" Uhm...there's a tee-shirt, sweatpants and a sweatshirt." I grab them...but I need something else.

" Vaughn?"

" Yes?"

" I...erm...I don't have you..."

" You want a pair of boxers?"

" Uhm...I don't know….if that's okay..."

" Sure...be right back." I don't look at myself in the mirror but I must be red as a beet. He quickly gives me a pair of boxers and goes back into the living room. I get dressed and step out of the bathroom. Vaughn is reading the paper on the couch. I clear my throat. He looks at me blushing to the roots of his hair.

" Hey..." A smile crosses his face.

" You still look good in my clothes..." We both are turning a shade of red once again, avoiding each other's gaze. Why is it so hard talking about the past, about what we used to have? I used to borrow his clothes almost every day. He always told me 'And what am I going to wear now?' I'd run toward the kitchen, knowing he wouldn't run after me before checking if we were alone. He'd take back his clothes, using every charm he had, and we headed back toward the bedroom very often...replaying this scene again and again before realizing we were late for work again.

" Uhm...if you want to take a shower..."

" OK, I'm gonna go." He stands up and brushes against my arm slightly as he walks toward the bathroom. It sends goose bumps all over my body, from head to toe. I turn and watch him walking graciously toward the bathroom. I shake my head, clearing my mind, and decide I should change the sheets on the bed.

I find clean sheets and change the bed, putting the dirty ones in the washing machine. I sit on the bed and start to read the paper, when Vaughn knocks at the door.

" Come in!" He enters only wrapped in a little towel, his wet hair dropping on his bare chest. I swallow hardly.

" My clothes are in this drawer." He points out the drawer in front of the bed. Drawer remember me...I shouldn't think about that. I nod, not remembering how to speak.

"You...want me to go out?"

" No, no, I'll go be dressed in the bathroom."

" OK." You can change here if you want, I thought to myself...I wouldn't mind... I look down at the paper again, trying not to be lost in thoughts I shouldn't have, trying not to stare at him like he was dessert.

He walks out and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

He comes back about ten minutes later, the towel over his shoulder, his hair still wet. He sits down on the couch, where I'm reading –or at least I'm trying- the paper. He looks over my shoulder.

" The economics?" he smirks.

" Yeah..." He knows I wasn't really reading now...

" So, what do you want to do?" he asks me while he's drying his hair with the towel.

" Uhm...I dunno, nothing particular..."

" It's almost five...we could watch-" His phone's ringing. He stands up and answers, still looking at me.

" Vaughn..." he smiles.

" Hey man, where are you? We were about to call the police!" 'Weiss' he whispers, I nod, smiling. I guess he was too busy for calling earlier...

" Yeah, don't worry about us...no, no... No, your house hasn't burnt down, don't worry...uhm..." He looks down

"...yeah, we...we talked..." he looks up at me. Weiss must have asked him how things went between Vaughn and I. "Great! OK, see ya! Bye." He hangs up and sits back on the couch.

" It was Weiss."

" Yeah, I figured that out..."

" He was checking up on us..."

" What did he said?"

" He was...busy earlier, that's why he didn't call." I smile, and Vaughn looks at me smiling too.

" What?"

" Nothing. It's good to see you smiling again, that's all."

" So...uhm...what else did he tell you?"

" Oh, he won't be here before tomorrow, or later, he didn't know."

" That's great!" Vaughn looks at me strangely.

" For him. I mean, he deserves to have a life...he's been with me so often this year." I know Vaughn is about to tell me again that he's sorry he wasn't here for me, but I don't let him.

" So, what were you going to say before the call?"

" Uhm..don't remember."

"Oh...OK...so, what do you want to do?"

" Well...you're still a little dizzy so...it'd be better if we stay here, what do you think?"

" You can leave me alone you know, I can survive."

" I don't want to leave you...or maybe you want me to-"

" No, no, that's not what I was saying..." An awkward silence fills the room and I shelter again in the paper.

Vaughn finally breaks the silence after some minutes. " OK, given it's almost six thirty, how about ordering food and watching a movie?"

I look up at him." Uhm...yeah...why not..."

" If you want to do something else..."

" No, it's a really good idea!"

" OK. What-"

" What about pizza? Sorry..." We spoke at the same time.

" Pizza?" I nod.

" You still like pizza, don't you?"

" Yeah...yeah...I thought you didn't like it much..." he questions me.

" I've been eating things like that for almost one year, so..."

Vaughn stands up and give me his hand. I look at him quizzically.

" Come with me. We're gonna cook!"

" What?"

" You heard me! Let's cook!"

" Vaughn!" I laugh.

" Tell we you don't want to on, I know you love cooking!" He amazes me, I can't believe it! He's so wonderful! I take his hand and let him help me up. My hand still in his, we walk toward to kitchen.

" So, what do you want to cook?" Vaughn asks me while he turns to look at me, still holding my hand.

" Uhm...I dunno...what do you want?"

" I asked you first!" He smiles at me, looking straight in my eyes. I smile with him, and get lost in the green ocean up there...We stare in each other's eyes without saying a word. He leans slowly towards me and...


	11. Chap 11

Ring...ring...ring...

" Um...we should answer..."

" Yeah, we should..."

" It could be important..." I see regret in his eyes as he lets go my hand and walks toward his phone.

" Vaughn." He looks at me and walks away, as if he doesn't want me to hear ...I sigh and start looking for what we could cook. He comes back some minutes later with an angry look, but doesn't say a word.

" So, what are we gonna cook?" he asks me while he checks the locks on the front door and the windows.

" Why are you checking to see if everything's locked?"

" Just...it's nothing..."

" Tell me Vaughn." He sighs and he knows he can't hide it from me forever, that I won't let him

" It's...it was the Agency...they..." he walks towards me and takes my hands in his again.

" The fire at my apartment...it was Lauren...they have proof that here, let's sit."

I follow him to the living room and we both sit on the couch, our hands still holding each other's.

" You won't like what I'm gonna say..." I look at him half-afraid, half-urging him to spill.

" About three weeks ago we discovered that Lauren wasn't who she was pretending..."

" What?" What is he talking about?

" Please let me finish..."

" We're still tracking Sark and...we saw him one day...he was meeting some informer, someone we thought was well placed and betraying the CIA..." He looks pained, and it's hard for him to explain...but what does he have to tell me?

" Remember when I was out of the country?" I nod.

" Yes, of course."

" That's when I saw them...Sark, and her..."

" Lauren?"

" Yes...and they were... more than friends let's say."

" Vaughn, I...I'm sorry..."

" No don't...I'm not sorry, so don't be." I know he won't show me how he feels, but I know how you feel when you've been betrayed, and when someone you love betrays you, it's worse...a thousand times worse...

" That's when we knew she was the mole we were looking for..." He pauses before going on.

" I was told not to show her that I knew, I had to play the loving husband..." I saw the tears forming in his eyes. I know him too well, I know he won't let them fall in front of me.

" But I couldn't. Knowing that because of her I've lost you..."

" You ALMOST lost me, Vaughn. I'm here now." I smile slightly and squeeze his hands.

" But she took away two years of your life Syd! She took us what we had..." Tears are forming in my eyes too, but I'm not sure I'll be able to hide them like him. I'm not that strong anymore.

" Vaughn..."

" The Agency...was calling to warn us. She's back in town. She tried to kill her father and to make it look like a suicide...but it wasn't."

" He's..dead?" He nods. She killed her own father! How could she...

" They have proof that she set fire to our...my apartment. They're trying to catch her, but she's still out there for now."

" Are we safe here?" I know I'm safe if I stay with Vaughn. After all he's my guardian angel, and nothing can happen as much as we stay together.

" Yeah, they posted some people in front of the house, and Weiss' house is protected, so we're safe tonight."

" Good." He nods and looks up at me, instead of at our hands.

" So, you still haven't told me what we're gonna cook!" I know he's avoiding the subject, and he knows I know. We make a silent agreement that tonight we're gonna have fun, and we'll talk about serious stuff tomorrow. I follow him toward the kitchen and we start looking into the cupboards...

We finally found some pasta and we made a sauce. It is so domestic. Vaughn and I cooking, talking about nothing in particular, just like it used to be...I know I shouldn't think about it anymore. I'm happy now, well, at least things are getting better between us. I know it'll never be like it used to be, but it can be better. Now we both know what we have lost, and that life is too short. We'll live everyday like if it was our last day, just enjoying life. To live together. We're not apart anymore. And I already like it.

" Syd? Where are you?" Vaughn moves his hand in front of me.

" Um...nowhere. I was just thinking..." We are still sitting, empty plates on the table, a bottle of wine almost finished. He pours the last drops of the wine in our glasses.

" Vaughn. You want to get me drunk?" I tease him.

" Well...it's not a bad idea..." I look into his eyes. I know he's joking, but I can't think of anything but our first date. We drunk a little too much that night, and we almost...I feel the butterflies in my stomach like I felt that night, when we agreed to 'visit' the inn...

" It's getting warm here, isn't it?" Vaughn must have been thinking about our 'date' too because I can see he's as red as I must be right now.

" We should go sit on the couch." I nod. We put the dishes into the sink and sit in the living room our glasses in our hands.

" I'm so full!"

" Yeah, me too!" We relax in the couch, just enjoying each other's presence and sipping our wine.

"So, what do you wanna watch?" Vaughn breaks eventually the comforting silence we were sitting in.

" Um...I dunno...What do you prefer?"

" Syd, I said you choose first!" I smile with him.

" OK...um...MI2? I still haven't seen it." He shakes his head. Everytime when it comes to pick a movie, I always choose an action movie. And he always told me:

" Come on, you don't wanna evade from your spy life?" I smile to him.

" You always say that."

" I know..." We stare at each other's eyes for a moment, remembering all those little moments we had.

" OK...so MI2 it is." I smile in victory. He always let me chose, even when he wanted to watch a hockey game.

"Yeah!" I kiss him on the cheek. He blushes a little and looks down. And it makes my smile grow bigger.

We put the DVD in the player and watch silently. About 20 minutes later I feel a little tired so I put my head on Vaughn's shoulder, unsure of how he's gonna react. He simply puts his arms over my shoulder, and we cuddle on the couch, watching the movie. It's so weird at first, acting like that with him. I feel like a teenager going to the movies with her future boyfriend, afraid by every wrong move I could make, but at the same time I feel safe, knowing that I'm not with some guy, but with Vaughn. I always feel safe when I'm with him, and this is what I need the most right now. Without knowing it he comforts me by his simple presence, he reassures me by a simple touch, he makes me feel loved by a simple look.

I'm pull of my thoughts by a big noise at the door. I look at Vaughn who simply looks back at me smiling. The front door is pushed open. I turn my head towards it and see Lauren, putting a gun at me. I stand up and look for something, anything, which I could use as a weapon. Vaughn doesn't move, why doesn't he do something? Lauren slowly walks towards Vaughn, who eventually stands up, and kisses her hungrily on the mouth.

" What...what are you doing, Vaughn?" I ask with the tears in my eyes. I feel betrayed, I have been betrayed again. But by the man I love, and it's worse than I have ever felt before.

" Vaughn...why...what..." I try to speak but my sobs are too strong and I can't talk anymore. I've a big lump in the throat, my vision is blurry by my tears, I can't move. All I can do is cry, and watching the man I love betraying me, again.

"What were you thinking, Sydney? That I would just divorce and come back to you?" Vaughn laughs with Lauren and kisses her deeply. I can't look at him, at them. It's killing me.

"Vaughn..." my voice cracks.

" You're so naive, Sydney. Michael's mine, forever mine!"

"No...All the things you said to me...it was all..." I cry more and more, I can barely breathe between my sobbing.

"I was just waiting for Lauren to come back. I was just playing with you. You're so blind, you really thought I could act like that with you? You destroyed my life, Sydney, you almost screwed up my marriage, and you tried to kill the love of my life."

" It's been a pleasure to meet you dear." With that Lauren points the gun at me and fires, three times. I look down at my torso and see my white T-shirt becoming red. It's weird because I feel nothing, just warmth. I fall on the ground, and hear another fire shot. I look up and see Lauren kissing Vaughn on the lips before letting him fall on the ground.

" You two are just so blind." She laughs, an evil laugh that send me shivers through all the body, and goes away in the night. I look at Vaughn.

"Syd...Syd..." he's crying, but his look tells me its because of the pain. Not because of what just happened. He doesn't love me. He loves her. Her.

I'm so tired, I feel exhausted. I close my eyes and drift in a deep sleep. At least I'm at peace now...


End file.
